No Hands On the Wheel

So why resign? What causes a ministry to end? What could I have done to move me to resign from a church that I had served for eight years? And it is a good church. Naperville Covenant is congregation of incredibly talented people who love Jesus and one another.

So what did I do? I crossed a line, I stepped over a boundary. No, not that one. Not that one either. And no, definitely not that one. In turmoil I made a series of poor decisions. (No, I am not going to go into specifics.) And since no decision can be made in isolation the impact has been felt by too many people. I owned the decisions and came to the conclusion that it was time to leave. So here I am searching for the next stage. What that stage will look like I am still not sure. But I know this; decisions often have longer life spans than you might have first believed.

(Do I blame the church or its leadership? No. Absolutely not. In fact they have been more than gracious and supportive.)

The question I have been dealing with from a multitude of directions is how did I get to the place that I could make those decisions? The short answer is that I didn’t have my hands on the wheel. I didn’t take care of myself. I pooh-poohed the idea of self care. Just push through it, ignore the signs that were mounting. Gut it out, work harder. And don’t under any circumstances ask for help. Was I (am I) burned out? Nope, I went into the ditch.

I do not believe in using this blog as cathartic forum. I am not looking for sympathy. But I also know that I am not alone in ministry, in my tribe or any tribe. I write this so you don’t follow me into the ditch. The chaos that results doesn’t go away in 6 months. What is it about the way I did ministry, the way many of us conduct ministry that is toxic to our lives? How can we ignore the spiritual, emotional, familial and relational needs we have, claiming we are doing the work of God? To blame it on the popular corporate model of church is too easy. No one at Naperville Covenant ever said I wasn’t working hard enough.

I have some ideas, which I will share in the days to come. But to begin with I just refused to pay attention. The signals were there, I just refuse to give them their due. I didn’t take care of business. And I and my family have paid the price. There are no easy answers or quick solutions, but there are answers and solutions.

Well, this enough for now.